I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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