When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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