her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
