Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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