you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
