my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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