made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
