yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
