I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
