Just fell off a train. Bad.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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