I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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