I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How does one acquire holy water?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
