My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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