Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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