I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
