I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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