I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
