She is in my trunk
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
