OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
