you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We have started to decorate penises.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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