I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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