I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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