i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
