We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
