sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
