just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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