Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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