Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
