the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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