Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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