so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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