your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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