last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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