She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Someone signed my nipple.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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