New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
