i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
