The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
