Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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