so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
