i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
