I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
