I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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