She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
