Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize