watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
