My balls are so social today.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Houston, we have a blender
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
