you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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