This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So apparently I’m into choking now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
