k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
