I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize