I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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