When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize