zippers are such a cool invention
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
