mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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