A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
