He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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