A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
