It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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